Do you remember what it’s like when you first started seeing someone? Being nervous, deciding what to wear? Shaving your jungle from downstairs, putting make up on to look all pretty and making sure nothing is out of place? All the excitement and nerves rushing in at once wondering if you will click? Wondering if you’ll mess up some how and all the crazy stuff racing around in your brain just before you go on a date.
Well that was me with my son’s dad 12 years ago. We’d been talking online for 6 months, we wanted to meet and decided to get to know each other before deciding to take anything further. Ok well it was my choice to be honest after 6 years in hell with a nightmare relationship. I wanted to take things very slowly and make sure I wasn’t being impulsive or making a wrong decision.
Much to my horror when a few weeks later he asked me on a date. A date? Oh dear! This meant he wanted to be more than just friends and get to know me. The thought had me scared but in a good way. I really liked him and did want to be with him, I was just terrified.
He said he wanted me to come over to his house for a candle lit dinner. It sounded really romantic and I couldn’t resist. It was fun and exciting getting all dressed up to impress.
He was in his kitchen cooking when I arrived. He took me out to his back deck to sit at the table all done up nice to wait for dinner. It was really exciting.
My excitement was soon turned to horror when dinner was placed in front of me with the announcement it was Tuscan meatballs. Doesn’t sound too bad to you right? I have Ibs and i’m gluten intolerant. So the fact that Tuscan meatballs no doubt contained spices, the pasta sauce wouldn’t have been gluten free and the gravy was 100% not gluten free either.
This had gone very quickly from a fairy tale to my worst nightmare.
He seen my face drop as he handed me my plate. “Is this ok? I can make you something else” He says politely. I feel myself whirring in thoughts of how stupid I was to agree to a dinner or any kind of food outing with him when were just starting dating because of my issues. I can’t tell him though cause it might scare him off. I decide to grit my teeth, get through dinner as quick as possible then find an excuse to leave so I could get out of there before the effects of dinner hit hard.
“No it’s fine, thanks. Looks delicious. I love Tuscan meatballs” I lied through my teeth. Well I guess it technically wasn’t a lie seeing as I do like them, I just can’t eat them without the horrendous side effects lol
I get through my 3rd Tuscan meatball with stomach growls that resemble a bottom burp. He doesn’t say anything so I assume he can’t hear my stomach. This happens a few more times and I’m now fully aware a toilet trip is going to commence. On my 4th stomach roar he says to me “Are you ok?” I feel my hands sweat and really unsure how to deal with this panicking situation because I’ve never been in it before. Lie lie lie I convince myself to avoid embarrassment. I mean, he’s not gonna call me back if I be honest right? “I’m fine it’s just digesting” I say.
I couldn’t even get threw the last Tuscan meatball. I’m by then sweating my ring off, hot flashes and wanting to drop over in pain from all the gluten I’ve consumed. My stomach drops one more growl and with that, a surprise fart comes flying out. It was silent but I knew it had happened and i’m preying with everything this fart doesn’t have any kind of smell.
Too late… “Ugh what’s that?” He says looking straight at me with accusation. My panic pants are on. Go with it I tell myself. I get out of my chair and start running for the back yard following his lead because this smelly odor resembles something from a sewerage line. “Omg what was that? Do you have a cat or dog?” I ask nervously knowing full well it came from me. “No I don’t have any pets at all. Wow was it you?” He asks me out right. I try convincing myself I can still get out of this mess. “J’m a lady thank you” I reply with my nose turned up in the air. At this stage i’m not sure if i’m trying to convince myself or him anymore. He shoots me a dirty look as if to clearly say i’m a big fat liar.
I’m flustered and embarrassed as we sit back to eat what is left of our food. My stomach starts roaring again and I am dying of total shame wondering how the hell to leave. The dinner conversation has now lead him to laugh at my stomach noises. I get hit with another silent fart that is so bad we both have to race to the back yard again to wait for the passing smell to leave. I’m done with dinner, i’m done with our date and possibly done with life at this point. I want to leave and their is no denying it’s me anymore. “I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight, sorry. I should leave” I say trying to be polite. “It’s all good” He consoles at this point trying to laugh his head off. He’s fully aware of how embarrassed I am.
3rd time lucky I convince myself as we sit down one last time with my food pushed aside. Hit by another deadly silent rip he bursts into laughter as I realize this is not actually working for me anymore. I try to join the laughter but I am only laughing out of pure embarrassment. My gas turned into a toilet trip. I run to his bathroom just making it in time. I got lucky. There was toilet paper and a working flush LOL! But there was not one drop of dam spray to clear the stench. I decide i’m done with the shame and leave without saying good bye.
I actually never thought i’d hear from him again to be quite honest. But he text me that night fully understanding. I couldn’t bare to reply his messages though. I just want to crawl under Ayers rock.
He called the next day arranging for another date the following week. I couldn’t believe it. I made sure to ask where to this time lol He asked if kfc would be ok? I think to myself it will be fine, i’ll just order myself a gigantic chips with a bit of chicken and rip the skin off. “kfc sounds perfect” I reply.
Our date went ahead the following week, he picked me up and we went through the drive threw because he wanted us to eat on the beach. How sweet. He rolls his window down and orders one of those big bucket meals for like $29 with spicy chicken. I realize as this point he’s not going to ask me what I want, He’s getting the family meal deal for us to share. OMG!!! I spend the entire drive to the beach in silence trying to find a way of telling him about my condition so I can avoid a situation like this ever again.
We get to the beach and sit on a bench over looking the beautiful water with all the yachts and boats going past. Even jet ski’s are cruising around on this beautiful summer day. I go for all the chips and say i’m full once I devoured a small portion size. He’s going to think i’m strange if I rip all the skin off of all the chicken pieces or start passing gas if I devour any nuggets that could turn into actual nuggets. “Dam I paid nearly $30 to eat this for myself” He said disappointed. AH to hell with my condition, I’m going to impress this dude after last weeks nightmare. I avoid the spices and go for the crumbed stuff knowing it will take a good few hours to hit me. Only spices effected me straight away. I get through the nuggets like a boss then start on the chicken. I realize after the first few bites that I’ve gone for a spicy one. UGH!!!! I convince myself to stay in tact and eye off the public toilet in running distance. All good, i’m good, don’t sweat it. I had previously told him I was a huge chocolate lover and I didn’t even pay attention to the fact that he had gotten me a chocolate milk at kfc. FML! I was done with. I couldn’t drink any milk either. Milks and dairy stuff made me throw up. I needed that drink because my mouth was burning from the few bites of spice so I scoff the choccie milk down like a boss… Next minute *puke* stand up, *puke* go to bolt for the toilet *puke*
Get in the car *puke* Clearly he realizes something is wrong with me as I start sheading tears from embarrassment.
“I’m so sorry” I manage to blurt out while dry reaching. “Should have told me you were allergic to food” He joked.
Couldn’t help but laugh in that moment. “I have a condition that makes me allergic to spices and dairies” I reply with the actual truth now. I never in a million years thought i’d ever hear from him again but he wouldn’t let me go!!!
12 years later it’s been a story to share with our kids and definitely a must for any future grand babies! How mum and dad met and daddy didn’t care mummy had an allergy to all food LOL!