Category Archives: Comedy

I’m not a patient person in general. I hate line ups at the shops that go out side the store doors and you’re the last one in line and the line is going really slow. I hate making appointments and not getting seen to for an hour and a half to 2 hours later. I hate going to go crowded places where you pay a lot of money to go see something but end up seeing a bunch of loud mouths and heads in front of you because you’re only 5 foot tall. It all gives me anal diseases. lol I have the patience withstand from 5 to 20 mins and that’s it – I’m out.
Same if someone makes plans with me and runs late by up to 20 mins. I won’t wait around any longer. That is my patience threshold = very small.
It’s even worse with automative phone services. Holy shit!! Like Centrelink for example. Not long ago I had to call them my mum because she isn’t good with technology. I was legit put on hold for almost 2 hours. That wasn’t the worst part though. I mean, I was able to go about my day doing house chores and looking after the kids while on hold by putting the phone on speaker and leaving it in the lounge room up full ball. The worse part was finally getting through and copping an automative service that wanted to ask questions about my inquiry. None of the prompts matched with what I needed so I kept asking for an operator. Much to my horror when the automative service said “thank you for you call – good bye” OMG! They hung up on me and I had to go through that exact same process for 2 days straight.I tried every prompt to speak to an operator but nope, the automative service kept hanging up on me and telling me to use self service. Bitch I know how to use self service. I don’t need no man. Stop rubbing it in my dam face!
I ended up looking up a different payment line to call Centrelink on and got put through to where I needed to be. 2 FUCKING DAYS that took. I’ve never swore so much in my life as I did to my phone during those frustrating 48 hours of my life. My poor innocent phone could probably have had me charged with domestic violence, assault, grevieous bodily harm, intimidation, death threats, and all. I mean I even tried to bargain with my phone using extortion!!!! It really wouldn’t surprise me if the next time I went to use Siri, she told me to “F**k off you stupid gerbil breeding piece of sh** wh**e!”
Same thing happened today when I had to contact Optus for my step son. His bill was $92 behind and they cut his phone off so we paid the bill this morning and had to notify them to get it turned back on. I decided I wasn’t going to spend hours on a phone trying to speak to someone. Nope, i’ll just the Optus chat online. I was impressed to see it connected instantly and someone said “Hi, how can I help you today?” I stated my issued and then nothing…… it was radio silence. After 10 mins of watching and waiting, I see little bubbles starting to write something. Yay, they’re responding I thought. The bubbles kept coming and going. This went on for like 15 mins. FFS! I’m gonna go check my instagram for a second while they’re writing me a novel. So I do that and when I go back to the optus app after a few seconds to see if I had a reply… The chat had shut down and I had to re log in!!! F****G WHAT?
So I start the process all over again. I got a new person and had to explain my previous enquiry to the new person. She sends me a link to click and fill a form out with the biller details. I explained to the lady that getting off the optus page wasn’t a good idea as I tried in the last chat and got disconnected. She said it was fine. Ok then! So I clicked the link to fill the form out and when the page closed down, sure enough – I was disconnected from the lady I was chatting to at optus. I got rather annoyed having to re go through the process yet again! My vocabulary started to annoy my kids “Are the auto bots out to get you again?” My 14 year old daughter asked me in a smart ass tone. Indeed they were!!!
I had just connected for the 3rd time again and thought, stuff it, it’ll just happen again. I’ll call them but someone quickly wrote me a message and when I stated my problem for the 3rd time, he was replying instantly and got about it quickly! YAY!!!
I was in the last stage of the conversation. He had just submitted the request to have the block removed I had 3 mins left to go when my step son’s phone started ringing. It wasn’t a normal call… It was a messenger call. I quickly rejected the call freaking out that I would lose the Optus chat but thankfully I was super quick. But this prick friend of my step son’s wouldn’t let up on calling. He kept calling and calling each time I rejected him. So I picked my phone up. He’s on my messenger, I know the kid “Listen up asshole, I have his phone. Don’t call again. I’m having issues with an auto bot on his phone” He understood and knew I meant business. All my kids and their mates know I don’t have the patience for any of it.
30 seconds to go………… I made it!!! YAY!!!! If anything else had of happened, I’m not sure who would of copped my auto bot mouth. I find those stupid things so frustrating.
Technology has come a very long way, I can’t deny it but for people like me who grew up in the 80’s and 90s and haven’t got much experience nor want it – our vocabulary can go from A to Z in 2.5 seconds.
I swear I spend more time on my phone than I do actually having a life.
I have to make calls all the time for my kids, my step granddaughter, my step daughter, my step son and my mum. I always get stupid auto bots that put me through prompts then put me through to some where else, then you wait for the person to dam well answer, if they’re not there, you leave a message and wait for them to never call back OR they call you when you’re up town and busy so you let it go to voice mail and then proceed to play a game of cat and mouse to actually get a hold of each other.
School’s, authorities, dr’s, centrelink, medicare, hospitals, parents, family members, police, job networks, etc etc…..
Might be time to show them all how it feels? Time to set up my voice mail to say “Hi, you’ve reached my voice mail…
Press 1 if you would like to be hung up on
Press 2 if you would like to be put through to several other departments, only to leave a voice mail for them
Press 3 if you would like to leave a message and play a game of cat and mouse to see which one of you can get a hold of the other first OR
Press 4 to go back through these prompts again and keep trying

I follow several celebrities on social media. I have a selective few that I want to keep updated with if they have any new shows, movies or songs coming out.
This particular blog is of no disrespect to any of the celebrities that I have targeted. This is suppose to be a humorous post to lighten up some one’s day, or have them as curious as I am. Enjoy the following celeb fails 🙂

The following celebrity photo’s have highly entertained me but then again – small things amuse small minds.

Let’s take a look at this first one of Channing Tatum. He appears be doing a push up in the air using only his arms. You can clearly see that it’s probably real, considering all the veins and muscles in his arms are bulging with great strain. How ever, there appears to be some boots under the table that could very well be a photo shop stuff up. They’re obviously not the boots of Mr Tatum, given the fact he has boots on his feet.
Could there possibly be some one standing there helping Channing to look like the leaning tower of Pisa? Is this why he is only putting all of his body weight on to one arm? The wrist closest to the cup of water seems to be lifted with no weight on it. Could the photo shopper possibly have forgotten to remove the mystery shoes of the person holding Channing up? Or is this simply one of the greatest illusions of all time that we shall never receive an answer to?

 

Now let’s take a look at Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beil.. While there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with this photo, I can’t help but look at Justin’s satisfied facial expression while his dear wife is preparing to star as Super Girl. If this is any indication of what their sex life looks like then I can’t wait to be in my 40’s!!

This next pic of Brittany Spears seems to be rather a curious one. I’m assuming she is probably just grabbing on to the back of her bike seat but, there is also a part of me that is questioning if she a battling a worm crisis? All the joys of being a celebrity. They can’t even get their own mail without someone accusing them of scratching their asses and pulling out a 10′ tape worm right?

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This next one of Nikki Reed is highly questionable. Nikki captioned this particular photo letting her fans know that she loves her morning tea. But what we’re witnessing in this photo is that she INDEED loves her tea so much that she needs to have it in bowls… 6 of them to be exact. I’m not sure about you but I have never felt the urge to drink from a bowl, nor ever felt the need for 6 cups of tea, let alone BOWLS!
Let’s take a minute here to hope that Nikki shared with 5 others OR prey that the lord had mercy on her husband and daughter the day this way taken because there’s a strong possibility that Nikki may have been climbing the walls like Spider-man after enduring so much caffeine.

Don’t quote me on this please, but I am almost 99% certain that Patrick Wilson played Stretch? Here we have a clear vision in to Will Smith playing in the sequel with a sense of the real meaning of stretch? I realise the angle of the photo is responsible for Will’s rather long go go gadget arm here but it’s still rather amusing don’t you think?

Liza Snyder posted this cute little photo of her self with Matt Leblanc and their on screen daughter from Man with a plan.. How ever it appears that Matt and Liza have squeezed her so hard that only the remains of one arm and some of her jumper were left behind. This could have been a rather awkward photo to explain had us fans not been able to make out the middle of the body lol

We’ve all heard of the hills have eyes? What if Trees had eyes and got to inspect the fine art of Jenna Dewan’s perfect bod? And what on earth is that creepy tree behind her with all that wire and stuff hanging around like from a horror movie? Did Jenna stumble across some weird kind of ritual ground perhaps?

Last of all, we have a photo of Ryan Phillippe hanging out with friends or family over a feed and a few drinks. I am unsure about you, but I have never seen a door that doesn’t do entry and exit. Perhaps it’s an american thing?
Clearly that’s a door right? But it’s not an exit? I can’t help but wonder how many people have tried to exit it despite that sign? I have seen doors that say “push” or “pull” cause these particular doors only go one way for entry and exit but never in my life have I stumbled across a door that states NO EXIT!!! I wonder if this shop owns a door jar?
You know – $1 for everyone who’s tried to exit it lol

 

 

So last night, my mate and I went for a drive. As we come up to an orange traffic light, my friend didn’t slow down. Nope she went right through it. It gave me a thrill. “Wtf are you doing? It’s an orange light?” I told her sternly. “She be right, we’ll make it” She replied.
We did, but that wasn’t the point. All I could think of was how much trouble we would be in if it turned red and some one got us on camera to give to the police lol
It got my mate and I talking about all the things we use to do as teeangers for a thrill… You know, like speeding when you drive, getting into cars with guys who would speed in their hotted up v8 cars, running through cane fields or graveyards while you were drunk, get on a motorbike as a driver or passenger with no care factor that it’s a death vehicle, you would climb up trees and on to rooves with out a fear in the world or even run by foot from the cops despite doing nothing wrong….
You grow up, have kids and realise that all the things you once did now have consequences and you can’t comprehend the changes between now and then.
Like legit, as you get older and have kids, your adreneline rushes come from trying to read a book at night after you think your kids are asleep or trying to shit without an interuption.
Your thrills come from taking an orange traffic light, hiding your chocolate somewhere and preying your kids don’t find your stash lol You get a thrill out of being able to stay awake till midnight even. No joke, staying up till midnight is something a parent is brag worthy of it because it’s an actual challenge.
My friend and I got talking about all this stuff and decided to go chase some thrills because we are old farts and deserve some fun. It was only a quarter moon and the clouds kept hiding it. But that was ok, we had the car headlights right? So we found a massive cane field and pulled over. It didn’t seem too bad I guess. But then the bitch turned her head lights off and I found myself looking straight down the split path between the 2 cane fields and started to think about Jeepers Creepers. The urge to stay in the car and lock the doors seemed more appealing. “Ok, let’s get out” My friend says. “Sure” I say with full confidence while thinking she can go first and i’ll get out once she gets around to the passengers side of the car.
So she opens her door, gets out, makes it to the boot and then bolts back into the car like Speedy Gonzalez on crack!!! She pushed the central lock and drove off quickly looking like she had just seen a ghost. “What happened?” I asked her. “There was noises in the cane fields” She said. We got talking about all the possibilites of what could have been in the fields such as cane toads, frogs, snakes, bugs, spiders, rats and maybe even Stefan Salvatore could have been waiting to rip our fucking heads off!!!
We realised that neither of us were ever going to step into those cane fields but the thrill of the attempt was “Adreneline rushing” lol
Our next stop was a graveyard and it was the same kind of situation with the pitch black darkness over everything, no lights and an eerie feeling washing over us.
It didn’t feel as bad as the cane fields though. Like with the cane fields, there could have been all sorts of creatures attack us that we couldn’t be saved from but in my head, the worst thing that could happen at a graveyard was an actual human would jump us if they were attempting to dig a grave to rob the dead. My friend on the other hand was thinking of the stuff that I was at the cane fields. “What if Zombies exit the graves and eat our brains?””What if there’s a black witch performing a ressurection?” My friend asked in a freaked out tone.
I couldn’t help but laugh. How ever, my laughter quickly turned to running as we got to the gates of the cemetary. I ran because I got an instant adreneline rush after I invisioned the cemetary as a ghost compound. I instantly felt like scooby doo and went to hide behind Shaggy. We left and laughed the whole way home about our thrilling night.
So that’s what it’s like having to go from a teenager to an adult. And not to mention the days when you would have sex any where, any time any place without a care in the world but as an adult, you’re constantly looking over your shoulder preying that you don’t get caught.
What are some of your adult thrills? Have you ran an orange light? Watched a motorist do a wheelie and thought “wow he’s living on the edge?” have you done 100kms in an 80km zone and felt like you were bullet proof?

I’m an 80’s baby – this means I grew up a music lover in the 90’s. I loved Take that, backstreet boys, Fi54, Nsync, Aqua, Aromic Kitten, Blue,  the black eyed peas, Brandy, Monica, M2m, TLC, All Saints, Spice Girls, B*witched, Pink, Destiny’s child, Salt n Pepa,The corrs,  Kci n Jojo, The lighthouse family, The out there brother’s, Peter Andre  etc.. etc.. etc.. I was more into dance music than anything else. I loved dancing to the macarena and all steps songs.

My kids know quite a few 90’s sings thanks to movies like Shrek. My 11 year old often randomly yells at the top of his lungs “SOME BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA SAVE ME” I shit myself every time he does it. Who the hell just randomly skips down a hallway shouting a song at their lung power right? UGH!

Anyways, I love to play music while I’m doing house work. I’ll put my ear phones on with my phone in my pocket and a play list of 90’s running on spotify. I barely have any music from this generation. Using head phones often causes me to sing out loud *face palm*

I was once washing up to the out there brothers “Girl your booty is so round, I just want to lay you down. Let me take you from behind. I won’t cum until it’s time. But if I can not sleep with you, maybe I could have a taste? Put your nani on my tongue and your booty on my face”  I was all alone in my kitchen. My son was on his ps4 with headphones on, my daughter was watching a movie on netflix in her bedroom and my step son was in the shed on his x box. But out of no where there was a tap on my shoulder and suddenly “Here was I surrounded by 1000 fingers suddenly… pointed right at me”  All 3 kids were behind me shaking their heads disgusted in me.
I pretty much got the same reaction on a separate occasion while singing The Steppers version of Alice. -_-
Apparently they did not need to know who the f*** Alice was and weren’t impressed that they were forced to know of her.

When Pink’s song Beautiful Trauma came out in 2017, my son was 9 years old. It came on the radio all the time in the car. I never really paid attention to the lyrics. I’m a fan of Pink’s stuff from back in the day but haven’t kept much up to date with her newer stuff. Anyways we get get home and my son starts singing some of Pink’s new hit.
“tough times they keep coming, all night, laughing and f***king*  I stood there bright red faced  I went and watched the film clip with the lyrics on you tube then approached my son and asked him if he thought it was an appropriate song to sing with swearing in it? He says: “Mum if Pink can sing it, anyone can” Not in my bloody house you won’t be! I made it very clear. So the smart ass started singing it out side the front door every time he got it stuck in his head. LOL!

Alot of parents today critisize this generations music for the lyrics. Now I don’t know about you… but have you ever caught your young daughter walking around singing “When I think about you, I touch myself?” OR “If you’re horny, let’s do it, ride it, my pony” -_- I have and believe me, you find your self in 2 worlds being impressed that they’re making attempts to be as hip as their parents with their generation of music but at the same time you’re also disappointed that of all the 90’s music there ever was – they’re choosing to play ones that kids should not be repeating… PERIOD!

I over heard a guy talking to a lady in a shop the other day. He was saying kids today don’t know how lucky they are being given lyrics to every song they hear. Cause back in his day, he had to wait 15-20 years to find out the songs he grew up with were in correct lyrics on his behalf. I can totally relate to that. I grew up thinking the song “My angel is a centrefold” was actually “My angel is a telephone” hmmm! I also believed that Amelia was a big big girl in a big big world and it wasn’t a big big deal if you pleased her -_- But let’s not talk about any of that lol

Have you ever been caught by your kids singing a 90’s song that kids shouldn’t be listening to? Have your kids ever recited a 90’s song that just wasn’t appropriate for their age? Did you ever find out 2 decades later that a song you liked was misheard lyrics? Share in the comments below and tell us all about it!
And stay tuned for my next blog that’s going to be a fun story filled with 90’s lyrics for everyone to guess the songs/singers.

Let’s face it… 99.9% of everyone on the planet has anxieties in some shape or form. And we all have a fear/phobia of something or multiple fears. Kudos to that 1% of society who are living the life of The Incredible Hulk.

I have a fear of guns, drugs, spiders, heights and large crowds.

I’m sure you’ll all relate to this part with your own phobia’s/fears… Mine works like this:

If I see a police officer in person, dressed in uniform – My anxiety and I get into an argument
Anxiety: Hey they’ve got a gun.
Me: yea so?
Anxiety: You should probably go and take it off them so they can’t hurt them selves or others
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? I’d get arrested
Anxiety: But you could save a lot of lives
Me: Fuck off, I got shit to do
Anxiety: What if they pull their gun on you?
Me: Why would they do that?
Anxiety: What if you are their job?
Me: Why would they be after me? I haven’t done anything. Omg Just fuck off, Leave me alone or i’ll grab their gun and shoot you
Anxiety: You want to kill your self?
Me: No, Omg. *starts getting sweaty palms and my heart beats a little faster*
Anxiety: You should probably run now because you look suspicious being so nervous
Me: I know right. *looks around for a quick escape* If I run they’re really going to think i’m suspicious and I don’t want to get arrested or be in a cop car or cop station surrounded by even more guns. Omg what am I gonna do?
Anxiety: You should probably panic. Can’t you feel the urge to run? You should just run
Me: Be calm, be calm, be calm, go away, fuck off, leave me alone, stop making me feel crazy.
Cops: have gone and not in sight any more
Me: hahaha I win ner ner
Anxiety: …..

When it comes to drugs…I don’t have any fears with cannabis despite the fact I don’t smoke it. My anxieties come out with the hard core stuff that requires needles or pipes. For example a mate of mine is an ice user.
We been friends for 20 years but she only got into drugs like 10 years ago. But she came to visit me when my dad passed away. Her bf had knocked her front tooth out during a domestic dispute and she was in a lot of pain needing something strong. So she lined up getting some ‘gear’ I had to show her how to get to the person’s place.
I went inside the dealers place with her under the assumption that they would go to a room or something to do the deal. This guy was a family man with young kids and a wife. The wife was asleep and some of the kids were awake so I assumed there would be no way they’d do it then and there. I was wrong and anxiety came to visit me in that very moment…

Anxiety: Hey he just pulled the drugs out. They’re going to do it front of you.
Me: Bullshit. He’s just going to sell it to her and we will leave
guy and friend: Sit down with a glass pipe and put crystal rocks into the glass pipe
Anxiety: I told you so. Now they’re going to make you have some too and you can’t say no because he’s a big scary man that might get offended and think you’re a cop or a narc working for the cops.
Me: I can handle this, my friend knows I don’t do drugs. She wouldn’t dare so just go away.
Guy and Friend: Sit down, join us. We gotta try it before we buy it.
Me: My palms get sweaty, heart starts racing, mind starts whirring, colon starts clenching… “I don’t gotta do shit, i’m gonna wait out side”
Anxiety as I’m walking out side: What if they try to stop you? What if he’s got a gun? What if he’s offended and wants to bash you for rejecting him?
Me: Seriously? Now is not the time asshole. I don’t wanna be around this shit.
*after 5 mins of waiting out the front*
Anxiety: Hey I think that’s smoke coming out the windows. It’s coming for you. You’re going to get high off it and go home thinking you’re in the hunger games.
Me: Palms start sweating, mind is racing, heart is beating faster and colon starts clenching” Fuck this i’m out.
Anxiety: You can’t leave, what about your friend? She doesn’t know how to get to your house. You’re going to have to stay here and deal with me and enter the hunger games.
Me: Oh no I don’t…. Runs all the way home by foot and sends friend the directions via text message.

When it comes to a spiders:
Me: Oh shit that’s a spider
Anxiety: Yep it’s big, hairy, ugly one and if it bites you, you’re going to die. You can’t escape the spider. If you move an inch he will pounce on you and eat you
Me: *jumps up on the nearest bit of furniture or item from where I am* It could be a toilet seat, a bed, a couch, a kitchen bench, table or anything. I’ll jump on top of it to get away from the spider.
Anxiety: Do you think this is going to save you? How do you think spiders get to the corners of the ceilings?
He’s coming for you.
Me: *Screams for help for some one to save me*
Anxiety: I bet they don’t kill it. He’s going to get away and crawl up your legs in the middle of the night when you go to bed.
Me: GO AWAY
Anxiety: But If I go away, you’ll have spiders crawling in your underwear tonight
Me: *Yells out loud, Kill the dam thing or i’m going to get a blow torch and blow the whole house up”
Anxiety: He’s probably pretending to be dead, why is he being left in the house. He’s going to wake up any second and come after you again
Me: *Yells out loud, get it out of the fkn house, now!!!”

Heights:

Standing on a chair or ladder to hang something up or put a light bulb in…

Anxiety: hey what if your foot slips and you tumble to the ground?
Me: it’s not that far, i’ll be fine
Anxiety: But the vertigo is coming and you won’t have any control
Me: I’ll hang on tight when I get to the top
Anxiety: But you’re really clumsy and always hurting your self. This isn’t going to end well.
Me: I’m fine, go away. *vertigo kicks in as i’m changing light bulb or hanging picture up”
Anxiety: Told you the vertigo would kick in, now you’re going to fall
Me: I’m ok at the moment.
Anxiety: No you’re not, how bout you listen to me. You’re going to fall on top of someone and hurt your self or some one else. You could hit your head and die.
Me: ok ok i’m getting down, daaaaam it!

Large crowds:

Anxiety: Hey that person just looked at you
Me: Good for them
Anxiety: They’re probably gossiping to the person with them about what a fat ass you have
Me: I don’t have an ass to even make comments about
Anxiety: Well they’re probably gossiping about that then
ME: You’re making feel uncomfortable
Anxiety: That’s my job. Look that person just looked at you twice with a scrunched face like they’re disgusted in you
Me: No they didn’t.
Anxiety: I bet they’re gossiping about how ugly you are? Maybe it’s what you’re wearing today. You look pretty fat in this out fit.
Me: Do I? *Looks down to see what i’m wearing to see that I possibly do look fat*
Anxiety: See, you look really fat and everyone walking passed you is giving you weird looks because of how fat your are
Me: Why do I care if they think i’m fat anyway?
Anxiety: Because you’re ugly
Me: What’s that got to do with being fat?
Anxiety: They go together. You’re really fat and ugly. Everyone is staring at you and talking about you now.
Me: I wanna get out of here but I have to get groceries
Anxiety: If you continue shopping, everyone is going to be gossiping about the ugly fat mum who bought groceries today?
Me: You really need to let me finish shopping, this is draining. Just leave me alone
Anxiety: You just looked at a fat person wearing a mini skirt and said ew
Me: SO?
Anxiety: If you’re doing it to them, they’re doing it to you. Everyone in here is judging your clothes, your weight and what you look like
Me: That’s it. I’m leaving.
Anxiety: You’re going to starve your family because people here think you’re fat and ugly?
Me: Shit, I’ll do the groceries and get through this so my kids don’t suffer
Anxiety: But you know how everyone takes photo’s and video’s in public now? They’re going to take one of you without your permission and post it online for the world to bully you.
Me: That’s it… i’ll get the groceries online. ARGH! You’re the biggest pain in the ass.

Trying to sleep at night:

You get in bed, get into a comfy position, start to feel like you’re floating on cloud 9 with captain snooze when all of a sudden Anxiety comes to visit you…

Anxiety: Hey what you doing?
Me: Trying to sleep, go away
Anxiety: But you have things to do
Me: Nope, I got nothing to do other than sleep
Anxiety: But what about that problem that happened today?
Me: We don’t need to talk about that right now, I need to sleep
Anxiety: I think you should get up and distract your self from thinking about what happened today
Me: I wasn’t thinking about anything till you said that
Anxiety: It was a pretty big deal though right?
Me: Apparently.. Ok well now i’m up now.
*plays a game on my phone for 5 mins then tries to go to sleep again*
Anxiety: Oi…Start thinking about the problems from today again
Me: It wasn’t that bad, GO AWAY
Anxiety: Are you kidding me? You got a bill in the mail today how you going to pay it on time?
Me: It comes out of my bank automatically
Anxiety: Your son threw a tantrum cause he didn’t want to go to school today. You’re a horrible mum
Me: Ok i’m up again, thanks for that asshole
Anxiety: You’re welcome and don’t forget how you left a grocery story today. That was embarrassing. Bet everyone thought you were a dickhead?
Me: Yea I know. I’m still wracked with guilt over that
Anxiety: you should feel really bad about. Maybe you need to cry?
Me: Nah i’m good. I’m going to try sleep again to sleep off the guilt. *Lays down again*
Anxiety: PST remember that big spider from tonight? He might have had a family some where in the house and they’re still alive wanting revenge on his behalf.
Me: Oh fucking hell, I’m up again
Anxiety: Yea and remember how you didn’t get to put that light bulb in the toilet? How are you going to see if the spider family comes after you in the dark if you need to go to the bathroom?
Me: Right then.. I’m not using the bathroom tonight.
Anxiety: Remember that cop from today with the gun? What if they thought you looked so nervous today and they’re out looking for you via facial recognition?
Me: Fucking hell I wish you’d go burn alive
Anxiety: Don’t forget about the time you ran out on your friend a few years ago while she did drugs and made her own way home. It probably took her 20 mins because mushrooms and Mario were chasing her in carts along the journey.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Anxiety: Oh and one more thing, that lady you thought was fat in a mini skirt was probably dressed like that because she had a gynecologist appointment that day and you judged her for nothing.
Me: Ok well i’ll just stay awake all night and dwell on everything now thank you very fucking much for your assistance!!! -_-

And it generally takes 2 or 3 or even 5 attempts before anxiety gets off your back so you can get some darn sleep!

Any one else relate? What’s your kryponite with anxiety’s or phobia’s?

I follow quite a lot of celebs on social media’s. I like to keep up to date with the shows I watch and any new movies coming out too. I know it’s kind of cheating but I have never minded a spoiler or 2.
One of my most recent celebs to follow is Will Smith. I’ve always liked him as an actor, but not enough to follow all his work. How ever, a news article released that Will Smith would be going sky diving for his 50th birthday.
I couldn’t help but want to check that out. I started following him on Instagram and noticed that he not only did the sky diving for his 50th, but he also went on to do a bucket list of fears. From sky diving, swimming with sharks, driving sand buggies in the desert, doing stand up comedy live and grand prix racing with his boys. I’m not certain if the sand buggies and grand prix racing were fears of his. Maybe they were just bucket list desires?
Either way – It’s been inspiring to watch Will Smith and his family go on this bucket list journey.

So inspiring that it got me wondering what my own bucket list challenge would look like.
In terms of a fear bucket list. My top 5 would look like this:

*Stick my hand in a tank full of hunstman spiders
*Let a snake slither on me
*Take a ride on a plane
*Stand in the center of a mosh pit or square times on new years eve (face a large crowd)
*Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower or The Grand Canyon.

I have no intentions of fulfilling my fear bucket list even if there is only 5 things on it. Let me tell you why…
Back in 1992. I was 12 years old and went on a school camp to a place called Cooee Bay. I can’t remember much of the trip at all but I won’t ever forget going on a hike with the whole class, our teachers and the camp leaders.
I’ll never forget because it was the first time I had ever come come into contact with my fear of heights.
We hiked up a mountain and the further up we got, I felt dizzy with vertigo, my hands were shaking and sweaty, my knees felt wobbly and my heart was racing as each level appeared to be a plunge of death.
We almost made it to the top of the mountain when I slipped and tumbled down the entire mountain and landed in a pile of cactus plants!!! You think that was the most humiliating part? NOPE! That part was coming to the acceptance that the mountain was the same height as a 2 story house LoL! I shit you not!
That mountain seemed huge in my 12 year old eyes and getting laughed at all the bus ride back to camp while pulling prickles from every where wasn’t my idea of fun either. I avoided height like the Ebola after that incident.

In 2000 when I was 20 years old (Let’s establish here that I was an ADULT) A guy that I was dating at the time, wanted to help me conquer my fear of heights. He worked as a scafolder, loved rock climbing and was a professional moto x racer (not a stunt rider) He pretty much loved the dangerous side of life and couldn’t understand my fear of heights.
So he took me on a weekend away to a town called Townsville. While we were there, he wanted to show me a mountain called Castle Hill. It didn’t sound that bad. You can’t drive up mountains right? -_- Well at least, that’s what I thought.
Turns out it can be driven up. There’s a big look out, a car park, a toilet block and all up the top of that mountain.
So he challenged me and up we went… I held a pillow over my face the entire drive up the mountain so I couldn’t see over the edges at the height. I don’t even want to imagine was people who drove past were thinking of my kidnapper LoL!
Before I tell you how this ended… let me first state that Castle Hill rises to a height of some 286 metres (938 ft) above sea level!!!!
So we get to the top and the vertigo kicks in, the sweaty palms, the shaking knees and hands kinda of resembling a mini seizure as I tried holding on to everything in my wake for stability.
As we walked over to the ledge of the mountain and I tried my breathing skills, that was it for me. I was done. I stood there puking my guts up repeatedly and to rub wounds in ever further… something wet was running down my legs 🙁 I was wearing a long skirt thankfully and there was a toilet up there that I could throw my underwear away and clean up but that didn’t stop me from being aware of what i’d done or the fact I left there with with no underwear on. UGH! The shame.

So nooooooo i’m not going to try and tackle getting on a plane, looking over the grand canyons or going up the Eiffel Tower. I have never had a desire to become famous… especially not with the Guinness book of records for how much one human being can be sick from both ends!!!

I’d rather focus on a bucket list I could do such as:

*Go to the Gold Coast Theme Parks.
*Take my kids on a camping trip
*Have a movie night in the back yard with bean bags and a blow up cinema screen
*Go to the Bellingham maze
*Sit on the beach at night on a rug eating Chinese food

Now you’re probably wondering why I haven’t done any of the above when it’s simple stuff. Well… I’ve never had a licence so I can’t take my self to the theme parks and I won’t take public transport because… EW EW EW!
If I have a destination to go to, I want to go there without returning with every disease under the sun along with 4 different unknown stds. Human’s are grubs.
I bought my daughter a tent when she was 9 and it took me 2 days to put the bloody thing up!I’m also terrified of spiders and snakes so me taking my kids camping without someone who knew about camping would be a recipe for disaster. I’ve never met any one into camping. I did it alot as a teenager with mates and we all helped each other out but I wouldn’t do it alone with out having my own adult supervision lol
Those big blow up cinema tv’s are over $1000 and with a mortgage to pay on top f everything else – I’ll be waiting a while. It’s actually one I may fulfill some day.
I haven’t gone to bellingham maze for the same reasons I haven’t gone to a theme park and I haven’t sat on the beach to eat Chinese because It’s more of a romantic fantasy bucket list than a solo one lol

How would your bucket list look if you had one with fears and dreams?

I’m having an amazing day so far! *Insert much sarcasm*
Started off with sleeping in 5 mins extra which put me 5 mins behind on schedule getting kids off to school. It wasn’t all that bad I guess, we’ve all been there and done that on many occasions.
But it kinda escalated from there really… While my son logged into his math class (he is in distance ed at home) I was busting to go to the toilet as I hadn’t had the chance to previously being behind time. So I race down the hallway as if i’m running a marathon and life will end if I don’t cross that finish line first.
BANG, CLASH, BOOF! I hit the floor… WTF? Turns out I was in such a hurry that I didn’t make my turn into the bathroom quite on spot. I hit the corner wall of the door and rebounded with quite the thud! OUCH! Never mind, get back up, scrape it off and do what I came for.
Go about my day starting with cleaning the kitchen while making my son breakfast. I made him toast this morning. I give him his breakfast while he’s in class and then I go about starting on cleaning the lounge room up. Whilst cleaning up the lounge room, I pulled out of one of the cupboard drawers to put some of my son’s new school stuff into it.
BANG, CLASH, THUD… My leg and knee were in severe pain. I was screaming and yodeling like a woman pushing a 12 pound babies head out of her twat. The cupboard drawer wasn’t on it’s hinges properly and came all the way out, sliding down it’s rollers like it flying down an snow slope on skis… I had no time to stop it with how fast it rolled out. Rolled straight on my leg and knee at full force with all the contents still in the drawer… and some of it now on the floor.
Once I was finished with cleaning the lounge room and the worst of the pain has subsided, I wanted a cup of tea. So I go in to my clean kitchen to find my son’s empty plate from having toast and his empty cup of cold water I gave him with his breakfast. I expected that. But what I didn’t expect was to see a bowl of mostly eaten cereal beside the empty plate, along with a an empty cup of what appeared to have coco pop milk. The bowl had chocolate milk around it as well meaning that someone had just had a bowl of coco pops and poured the left over milk from it into a cup and drank it.
There’s just one problem with this scenario. I had toast too and ate mine prior to washing up. My daughter her peanut butter toast on the way to being dropped at school. I’d already washed the dishes and no one else was around. There was only the 3 of us here this morning. The empty bowl and cup had been delivered to my kitchen AFTER i had cleaned up the kitchen. -_- So naturally, I started freaking the fuck out. Like who the hell came into my house and helped them selves to my cereal while I was cleaning the lounge room up?
Did we have a ghost that eating my food? I needed to find the mystery culprit.
So I search through every bedroom, the back yard, the front yard, the rumpus room and the shed. It’s just me and my 11 year old son. We’re all alone with not a god dam being in sight.
I am defeated. There is no logical explanation for this mystery cereal bowl or it’s matching cup. I resort to the fact that my memory is shot. It was clearly evident that I hadn’t washed up every dish. I’d missed 2 without realizing.
I go over to my son and ask if he wants anything before I go and sit down. I was buggered and wanted a 5 min rest. He said he didn’t want anything but asked me why I looked upset.
I explained to him what happened with the mystery dishes and thought my memory was playing tricks on me. My son starts laughing like a hyena. He can’t stop laughing. Between his laughter, he manages to tell me that it was him. He’d forgotten to take his dishes to the sink yesterday morning after breakfast so he did it this morning.
That news didn’t make me feel much better because I didn’t even notice that he still had dishes at his desk. -_-
Wonder what else today can possibly bring me??? Stay tuned…

My 11 year old son calls out to me from the shower, so I run down there hoping he’s all good.
When I arrive, he asks me to pass him some body wash as he doesn’t like soap.
There was some body wash right in front of him but he hadn’t taken any notice of it simply because it was in a girly bottle and was the colour apricot.
I suspected the body wash must have belonged to my daughter because I’d never seen it before.
My son has his own lynx body wash but he doesn’t keep it in the bathroom cause he hates it when other people touch it. He’d forgotten to take it with him for this shower run.
He wasn’t really keen to use a girls body wash and I thought it was because he thought his sister might get mad at him for touching it. I assured him that I would let his sister know he was going to use some and sure she wouldn’t mind.
He got all excited to hear that the body wash belonged to his sister. He closed the shower curtain and I heard him say “Time to wash my balls and my hair” With a bit of an evil chuckle.
Typical! The kids are for ever at sibling rivalry. Don’t get me wrong, they have a great relationship and get along 99.9% of the time but love their pranks on each other.
I walked out of the bathroom and went about resuming what I was doing prior to being interrupted for body wash.
Roughly 5 mins later my son is screaming the house down in anger because he apparently smells like dog’s vomit. Don’t ask me how he knows what the specifics of dog vomit reak of (I don’t wanna know)
So I race down to his bedroom to see what all the commotion was about.
My daughter is behind me by the time I get to the bedroom door.
My son tried to beef on with his sister while she is in hysterics. I’m in the middle of them both trying to work out what is going on and why he think he reaks of vomit.
My daughter kindly announced, while laughing – “Why do you think I left my body wash in the shower?” She made a clear statement that she had left it there for others to use because she didn’t want it.
I smelt my sons hair and sure enough he was spot on with what it smelt like. I’ve never smelt dog vomit in my life but kinda of suspected his hair was identical to it.
I had to ask him, I just couldn’t resist – “did you end up washing your balls with it too?”
To which he looked up at me with watery eyes and said “I didn’t know it was going to smell like that mum” Poor kid. LOL Even his hands reaked of vomit from using the body wash.
It was so bad that I had to send him back for another shower with my own dove body wash and even that didn’t terminate the rotten vomit smell all that much.
I later went and asked my daughter where she go the body wash from because I hadn’t bought it or seen it before. She explained that her boyfriend’s mother had got it for her from her son for valentines day. My 11 year old son over heard her and shouted out “Well we all know Brad’s mum don’t like you very much”
What’s even worse is that my daughter not only got body wash in vomit odor but his mum also got my daughter an entire bag of products in the exact same brand and smell. -_-
Let’s just hope my daughter isn’t mean enough to refill deodorants or soap boxes with dog shit for pay back LOL!

Found a post on Facebook this morning.. It was all about growing up in my generation. From having home phones with the long winding cords to cassette tapes.
My 11 year old son found it all very intriguing and wanted to know all about my generation and what each 90’s post was about.
It was really nice that my son took such an interest in my childhood and I found it to be some what a bonding moment…
That was until we got to the post about the good old day’s of “warm fuzzies” before I could even explain that a warm fuzzie was a folded up letter filled with positive things about someone we wanted to compliment, my son decided to ruin the whole moment.
He is male after all..
“Mum, a warm fuzzie sounds like something I do when I go to the toilet first thing in the morning” -_- -_- -_- -_-
He burst out into laughter of course while I sat there face palming my forehead. He didn’t even want me to explain what a real warn fuzzie was. He just walked off laughing his dear off repeating “Warm fuzzie” Ruuuuuuude!

Fortnite for dummies:
step 1 Load up fortnite in the epic games launcher.
step 2 once it’s done loading up click battle royale unless you wanna play save the world {you came here for battle royale right}.
step 3 once you’ve clicked battle royale go onto the solo playlist and click ready up.
step 4 once you’re in the game be ready to jump out the battle bus.
step 5 so you’re in the battle bus ready to jump I would normally land tilted towers myself but you as a “noob” should land somewhere else safe like wailing woods junk junction or maybe even lucky landing {if you’re feeling lucky}.
step 6 so you have your guns and you have shields and you have all the mats in the world you see someone up ahead what do you do? :A shoot and him/her :B build up and take the high ground and shoot them :C or dance and hope the don’t kill you. {I will give you a hint its not C } anyway if you chose B you win the golden llama hip hip hoorayyyyy.