Category Archives: Health

Let’s face it… 99.9% of everyone on the planet has anxieties in some shape or form. And we all have a fear/phobia of something or multiple fears. Kudos to that 1% of society who are living the life of The Incredible Hulk.

I have a fear of guns, drugs, spiders, heights and large crowds.

I’m sure you’ll all relate to this part with your own phobia’s/fears… Mine works like this:

If I see a police officer in person, dressed in uniform – My anxiety and I get into an argument
Anxiety: Hey they’ve got a gun.
Me: yea so?
Anxiety: You should probably go and take it off them so they can’t hurt them selves or others
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? I’d get arrested
Anxiety: But you could save a lot of lives
Me: Fuck off, I got shit to do
Anxiety: What if they pull their gun on you?
Me: Why would they do that?
Anxiety: What if you are their job?
Me: Why would they be after me? I haven’t done anything. Omg Just fuck off, Leave me alone or i’ll grab their gun and shoot you
Anxiety: You want to kill your self?
Me: No, Omg. *starts getting sweaty palms and my heart beats a little faster*
Anxiety: You should probably run now because you look suspicious being so nervous
Me: I know right. *looks around for a quick escape* If I run they’re really going to think i’m suspicious and I don’t want to get arrested or be in a cop car or cop station surrounded by even more guns. Omg what am I gonna do?
Anxiety: You should probably panic. Can’t you feel the urge to run? You should just run
Me: Be calm, be calm, be calm, go away, fuck off, leave me alone, stop making me feel crazy.
Cops: have gone and not in sight any more
Me: hahaha I win ner ner
Anxiety: …..

When it comes to drugs…I don’t have any fears with cannabis despite the fact I don’t smoke it. My anxieties come out with the hard core stuff that requires needles or pipes. For example a mate of mine is an ice user.
We been friends for 20 years but she only got into drugs like 10 years ago. But she came to visit me when my dad passed away. Her bf had knocked her front tooth out during a domestic dispute and she was in a lot of pain needing something strong. So she lined up getting some ‘gear’ I had to show her how to get to the person’s place.
I went inside the dealers place with her under the assumption that they would go to a room or something to do the deal. This guy was a family man with young kids and a wife. The wife was asleep and some of the kids were awake so I assumed there would be no way they’d do it then and there. I was wrong and anxiety came to visit me in that very moment…

Anxiety: Hey he just pulled the drugs out. They’re going to do it front of you.
Me: Bullshit. He’s just going to sell it to her and we will leave
guy and friend: Sit down with a glass pipe and put crystal rocks into the glass pipe
Anxiety: I told you so. Now they’re going to make you have some too and you can’t say no because he’s a big scary man that might get offended and think you’re a cop or a narc working for the cops.
Me: I can handle this, my friend knows I don’t do drugs. She wouldn’t dare so just go away.
Guy and Friend: Sit down, join us. We gotta try it before we buy it.
Me: My palms get sweaty, heart starts racing, mind starts whirring, colon starts clenching… “I don’t gotta do shit, i’m gonna wait out side”
Anxiety as I’m walking out side: What if they try to stop you? What if he’s got a gun? What if he’s offended and wants to bash you for rejecting him?
Me: Seriously? Now is not the time asshole. I don’t wanna be around this shit.
*after 5 mins of waiting out the front*
Anxiety: Hey I think that’s smoke coming out the windows. It’s coming for you. You’re going to get high off it and go home thinking you’re in the hunger games.
Me: Palms start sweating, mind is racing, heart is beating faster and colon starts clenching” Fuck this i’m out.
Anxiety: You can’t leave, what about your friend? She doesn’t know how to get to your house. You’re going to have to stay here and deal with me and enter the hunger games.
Me: Oh no I don’t…. Runs all the way home by foot and sends friend the directions via text message.

When it comes to a spiders:
Me: Oh shit that’s a spider
Anxiety: Yep it’s big, hairy, ugly one and if it bites you, you’re going to die. You can’t escape the spider. If you move an inch he will pounce on you and eat you
Me: *jumps up on the nearest bit of furniture or item from where I am* It could be a toilet seat, a bed, a couch, a kitchen bench, table or anything. I’ll jump on top of it to get away from the spider.
Anxiety: Do you think this is going to save you? How do you think spiders get to the corners of the ceilings?
He’s coming for you.
Me: *Screams for help for some one to save me*
Anxiety: I bet they don’t kill it. He’s going to get away and crawl up your legs in the middle of the night when you go to bed.
Me: GO AWAY
Anxiety: But If I go away, you’ll have spiders crawling in your underwear tonight
Me: *Yells out loud, Kill the dam thing or i’m going to get a blow torch and blow the whole house up”
Anxiety: He’s probably pretending to be dead, why is he being left in the house. He’s going to wake up any second and come after you again
Me: *Yells out loud, get it out of the fkn house, now!!!”

Heights:

Standing on a chair or ladder to hang something up or put a light bulb in…

Anxiety: hey what if your foot slips and you tumble to the ground?
Me: it’s not that far, i’ll be fine
Anxiety: But the vertigo is coming and you won’t have any control
Me: I’ll hang on tight when I get to the top
Anxiety: But you’re really clumsy and always hurting your self. This isn’t going to end well.
Me: I’m fine, go away. *vertigo kicks in as i’m changing light bulb or hanging picture up”
Anxiety: Told you the vertigo would kick in, now you’re going to fall
Me: I’m ok at the moment.
Anxiety: No you’re not, how bout you listen to me. You’re going to fall on top of someone and hurt your self or some one else. You could hit your head and die.
Me: ok ok i’m getting down, daaaaam it!

Large crowds:

Anxiety: Hey that person just looked at you
Me: Good for them
Anxiety: They’re probably gossiping to the person with them about what a fat ass you have
Me: I don’t have an ass to even make comments about
Anxiety: Well they’re probably gossiping about that then
ME: You’re making feel uncomfortable
Anxiety: That’s my job. Look that person just looked at you twice with a scrunched face like they’re disgusted in you
Me: No they didn’t.
Anxiety: I bet they’re gossiping about how ugly you are? Maybe it’s what you’re wearing today. You look pretty fat in this out fit.
Me: Do I? *Looks down to see what i’m wearing to see that I possibly do look fat*
Anxiety: See, you look really fat and everyone walking passed you is giving you weird looks because of how fat your are
Me: Why do I care if they think i’m fat anyway?
Anxiety: Because you’re ugly
Me: What’s that got to do with being fat?
Anxiety: They go together. You’re really fat and ugly. Everyone is staring at you and talking about you now.
Me: I wanna get out of here but I have to get groceries
Anxiety: If you continue shopping, everyone is going to be gossiping about the ugly fat mum who bought groceries today?
Me: You really need to let me finish shopping, this is draining. Just leave me alone
Anxiety: You just looked at a fat person wearing a mini skirt and said ew
Me: SO?
Anxiety: If you’re doing it to them, they’re doing it to you. Everyone in here is judging your clothes, your weight and what you look like
Me: That’s it. I’m leaving.
Anxiety: You’re going to starve your family because people here think you’re fat and ugly?
Me: Shit, I’ll do the groceries and get through this so my kids don’t suffer
Anxiety: But you know how everyone takes photo’s and video’s in public now? They’re going to take one of you without your permission and post it online for the world to bully you.
Me: That’s it… i’ll get the groceries online. ARGH! You’re the biggest pain in the ass.

Trying to sleep at night:

You get in bed, get into a comfy position, start to feel like you’re floating on cloud 9 with captain snooze when all of a sudden Anxiety comes to visit you…

Anxiety: Hey what you doing?
Me: Trying to sleep, go away
Anxiety: But you have things to do
Me: Nope, I got nothing to do other than sleep
Anxiety: But what about that problem that happened today?
Me: We don’t need to talk about that right now, I need to sleep
Anxiety: I think you should get up and distract your self from thinking about what happened today
Me: I wasn’t thinking about anything till you said that
Anxiety: It was a pretty big deal though right?
Me: Apparently.. Ok well now i’m up now.
*plays a game on my phone for 5 mins then tries to go to sleep again*
Anxiety: Oi…Start thinking about the problems from today again
Me: It wasn’t that bad, GO AWAY
Anxiety: Are you kidding me? You got a bill in the mail today how you going to pay it on time?
Me: It comes out of my bank automatically
Anxiety: Your son threw a tantrum cause he didn’t want to go to school today. You’re a horrible mum
Me: Ok i’m up again, thanks for that asshole
Anxiety: You’re welcome and don’t forget how you left a grocery story today. That was embarrassing. Bet everyone thought you were a dickhead?
Me: Yea I know. I’m still wracked with guilt over that
Anxiety: you should feel really bad about. Maybe you need to cry?
Me: Nah i’m good. I’m going to try sleep again to sleep off the guilt. *Lays down again*
Anxiety: PST remember that big spider from tonight? He might have had a family some where in the house and they’re still alive wanting revenge on his behalf.
Me: Oh fucking hell, I’m up again
Anxiety: Yea and remember how you didn’t get to put that light bulb in the toilet? How are you going to see if the spider family comes after you in the dark if you need to go to the bathroom?
Me: Right then.. I’m not using the bathroom tonight.
Anxiety: Remember that cop from today with the gun? What if they thought you looked so nervous today and they’re out looking for you via facial recognition?
Me: Fucking hell I wish you’d go burn alive
Anxiety: Don’t forget about the time you ran out on your friend a few years ago while she did drugs and made her own way home. It probably took her 20 mins because mushrooms and Mario were chasing her in carts along the journey.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Anxiety: Oh and one more thing, that lady you thought was fat in a mini skirt was probably dressed like that because she had a gynecologist appointment that day and you judged her for nothing.
Me: Ok well i’ll just stay awake all night and dwell on everything now thank you very fucking much for your assistance!!! -_-

And it generally takes 2 or 3 or even 5 attempts before anxiety gets off your back so you can get some darn sleep!

Any one else relate? What’s your kryponite with anxiety’s or phobia’s?